The essay that I shared last Wednesday was good, but it wasn't perfect. The problem was that I didn't follow my own advice: I wrote the main body paragraphs without doing a plan first.
Look at the 'unplanned' paragraph below:
The negative implications of genetic engineering are often discussed in terms of two key areas, which are food production and the cloning of humans. Genetically modified crops are already being grown, and people are concerned that they may damage whole ecosystems as foods become resistant to diseases and natural predators. But perhaps even more worrying is the possibility that humans could be modified or cloned. Some people imagine a world in which cloned humans are used to fight wars or to provide body part replacements. Although perhaps not a threat to life on earth, the implications of such practices would be unprecedented.
Analysis:
- The first highlighted sentence doesn't extend my ideas. It would be better to go straight to the point about cloned humans fighting wars. I could then add more 'depth' and 'detail' to that particular idea, and this would help my task response score.
- The second highlighted sentence is fine as a 'concluding' sentence, but it would be better if I explained what the "implications" are. Reading this sentence now, I can tell that I wrote it without planning; I relied on my vocabulary knowledge to cover up my lack of real ideas!
This is what happens when you neglect the planning stage. It's so easy to write sentences that fill a space but don't move the essay forward.
Task: Let's improve this paragraph by refining the two highlighted sentences.
0 Comments