IELTS Exam Essay Writing Evaluation with a model answer

 

Putting up an Essay Writing Evaluation for the following question . A model answer is attached for the same.

The proliferation of private cars on the roads in many parts of the world has led to serious problems of pollution and may contribute to global warming. Some people think that governments should spend money for development of public transportation systems in order to help alleviate this problem. Others think it is better to spend money for the development of electric and other types of cars that may cause less pollution.

Do you think it is better for a government to spend money developing public transportation or developing new kinds of cars? Why or why not?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Student’s original Essay

Many people are  riding their vehicles on  the street, which causing the increase level  of pollution in many areas. Even  though citizens have their own  reasons to drive cars, it is true that those activities causing the environmental hazards. The  increase level  of pollution could be  solved by both government and individuals.

While  the government could introduce a several policies to encourage citizens to use  more of public transports by imposing taxes, individuals can protect environment by use  of bicycle for  the short distance.

The  government could use  a short term strategy, which could impose taxes on  petrol prices and the introduction of the capital gain taxes. If the government imposes taxes on,  then most of people would decrease the usage of their private cars for  the short term. By imposing taxes will discourage people to use  their own  cars and will encourage people to use public transportation.

The  government could put more of transportation for  public to use  and the usage of energy friendly gases. By using of the energy friendly cars, the cities would develop into the pollution-free areas. An increase of the frequency of public transports would encourage citizens to use  more of these systems. For instance, the British government uses the system where it restricts the amount of private vehicles in the cities during the rush hours.

The  government could use  several methods to discourage citizens to use  of private cars. Thus, this restricts the private vehicles around the cities during that time. Therefore, both government and citizens should co-operate each other to solve the pollution issue.

Errors marked in the following Essay Writing.

Many people are  driving riding their vehicles on  the street, which is causing the increase in the level  of pollution in many areas. Even  though citizens have their own  reasons to drive cars, it is true that those activities are causing the environmental hazards. The  increased level  of pollution could be solved by both government and individuals.

While  the government could introduce a several policies to encourage citizens to use  more of public transports by imposing taxes, individuals can protect environment by use  of bicycle for  the short distance.

The  government could use  a short term strategy like  , which could imposing e taxes on  petrol prices and the introduction of the capital gain taxes. If the government imposes taxes  on,  then most of   the people would decrease the usage of their private cars and opt for  public transportation.for the short term. By imposing taxes will discourage people to use  their own  cars and will encourage people to use  public transportation.

The  government could provide put more public transportation that is  run  on solar energy,batteries etc.  of transportation for  public to use  and the usage of energy friendly gases. By using of the energy friendly cars, the cities would develop into the pollution-free areas. An increase in of the frequency of public transport s would encourage citizens to use  more of these systems. For instance, the British government uses the system where it restricts the number amount of private vehicles in the cities during the rush hours.

The  government could use  several methods to discourage citizens from to using use  of private cars. Thus, this restricts the private vehicles around the cities during that time. Therefore, both government and citizens should co-operate  with each other to solve the pollution issue.

Essay Writing Evaluation

Objective-Band 6

1. Has not answered the question asked in the task, although some parts are covered but repetitive.
2. Has not presented a clear position although the conclusions are specified .
3. The essay is adequately divided into four paragraphs with an introduction and conclusion.
4. The essay has adequate number of words at 261.

Coherence- 5

1.Has  presented information with some organisation but there is

a lack  of overall progression.

Is repetitive because of lack  of referencing and substitution.

For Example:

The Student has written: If the government imposes taxes on,  then most of people would decrease the usage of their private cars for  the short term. By imposing taxes will discourage people to use  their own  cars and will encourage people to use  public transportation.

It should be:  If the government imposes taxes on,  then most of people would decrease the usage of their private cars and opt for  public transportation.for the short term. By imposing taxes will discourage people to use  their own  cars and will encourage people to use  public transportation.

Grammar-6

1. Has used a mix of simple and complex sentences.
2. Has made errors in grammar and sentence construction.

For Example:

The student has written:The  government could use  several methods to discourage citizens to use  of private cars.

It should be:The  government could use  several methods to discourage citizens from using to use  of private cars.

Vocabulary: 5

1.Has used limited range of appropriate vocabulary.

For Example:

The student has written:The  government could put more of transportation for  public to use  and the usage of energy friendly gases.

It should be:The  government could provide more public transportation that is run  on  solar energy,batteries etc. put more of transportation for  public to use  and the usage of energy friendly gases.

Overall Band-5.5

Model Essay Writing:

With the rise in income and living standards of the people, there has been an entry of private cars on the road round the world . It is putting a lot of strain on nonrenewable resources and leading to global warming due to air pollution. With the problem we have, I think the government should work on development of energy efficient vehicles. It  that may cause less pollution rather than improving public transportation.

As we all know that with the rise in income level of people, usually the living standard increases. They choose a better and easier lifestyle and as a result go in for buying private vehicles to commute at their convenience, comfort and in emergencies. Thus, the government should work on developing better environment friendly vehicles because it’s the natural tendency to own a car by every family.

Energy efficient vehicles driven by solar powered batteries or natural gas not only cause less pollution but also reduces the burden on our fossil fuels. The government should also formulate rules and norms governing private vehicles . So they have to serviced regularly to check their efficacy. These practices help in reducing the emission of greenhouse gases in air and checking pollution.

Thus, I feel that to reduce the problem regarding pollution and global warming . So, the government should think of developing energy efficient vehicles rather than public transport as said earlier people have a tendency to buy vehicles for themselves as an asset. Public transportation may include high cost of maintenance as well . Government should think of newer and positive innovations that are more environment friendly as well as sustainable.