Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child’s development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.
Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child’s development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.
Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Original Essay:
There is one view that suggests that children should be taught at home for their better development, while there is another view that suggests that it is essential for them to attend school. There are benefits attached to both views. Youngsters who go to school often develop better social skills, and they get better prepared for future jobs. On the contrary, children who are taught at home receive better attention.
Children who study in school tend to develop good social skills. A child studying in school interacts with different children. The young one learns to share things and how to work together. Furthermore, apart from the classmates, the child also gets the opportunity to interact with various people, such as teachers, workers, janitors and supporting staff of the school. This means the child learns how to meet and behave with other people, too.
In addition to the above, schools also prepare youngsters for future. School’s rules and regulations, such as dress code and timings, somewhat resemble with the code of conduct of jobs. Hence, the youngsters attending the school know well about the acceptable behavior in offices. Furthermore, they also learn to how to live without parents which will help them in future when they will leave their parents’ house to live in college’ dormitories.
Those children who are taught at home benefit from getting a proper attention from the teacher. These children easily understand whatever they are taught, hence, their understanding and learning skills develop better than those who attend school.
Though there are some advantages in teaching children at home, but the advantages of sending children to school exceeds than teaching children at home. Thus, I am of the view that it is important to send the children to school because they will develop such skills which are necessary to survive in today’s world.
(Written by Charles Harris)
Corrected essay:
There is One view that suggests that children should be taught at home for their better development, while there is another view that suggests claims that it is essential for them to attend school. There are benefits attached to both views. Youngsters who go going to school often develop better social skills and life skills, and they get better prepared for future jobs. On the contrary, children these contrast to those who are taught at home receive receiving better attention.
Some phrases like “there is”, “suggest”, and “on the contrary, children” are omitted as those are too bulky and sounds repetitive.
This phrase: There are benefits attached to both views has been deleted, as too generic.
It is always good to include your opinion towards both issues in this opening paragraph.
Children who study studying in school tend to develop good social skills as A child studying in school they could interacts with their peers different children. The young one learns to share things values and how to work together. Furthermore, Apart from the classmates, the child they also gets the opportunity to interact with various people, such as teachers, workers, janitors and supporting staff of the school. This means,meaning that the child learns how to meet and behave with other people, too.those who are older than them
The phrases: workers, janitors, have been omitted as those meanings are too close with supporting staff of the school.
Instead of using “things” showing your weak point in Lexical Resources here, you’d better use values.
I have changed other people into those who are older than them as the former phrases contain redundant information.
In addition to the above, Schools also prepare youngsters for future. School’s rules and regulations, such as dress code and timings, somewhat resemble with the code of conduct of jobs. Hence, the youngsters attending the school know well about the acceptable behavior in offices. Furthermore, they also Again,learn learning to how to live without parents which will helps them about responsibility. they will practice being independent in future when they will leave their parents’ house to live in college’ dormitories.
In addition to the above and also cannot be put in the same sentence as those have the same meaning. To avoid being repetitive, you need to omit one of them.
Those children who are taught at home benefit from getting a proper attention from the teacher. These children easily understand whatever they are taught, hence, their understanding and learning skills develop better than those who attend school. Not only these, home teaching brings a major benefit to children needing individual attention and encouragement. If one child needs extra helps with math, then the private teacher could set schedule for such subjects and time allotted to teach this kid. This will reduce the pressure by a child suffering from math’s difficulties, and therefore would enjoy the lesson at home.
The fourth paragraph is lacks of supporting details. Asking journalistic questions: the 5 W's and H will help you assess most situations, whether you are creating claim, evidence, and/ or explanation as to support your topic sentence in this paragraph.
The first and second sentences beat around the bush. No overall progression is seen in this paragraph.
In conclusion, Though there are some advantages in teaching children at home, but the advantages of sending children to school exceeds than those of teaching children at home. Thus, I am of the view that it is important to I agree that send sending the children to school because they will help them develop such the aforementioned skills which are necessary to survive in today’s world.
You need to use a concluding signal, such as in conclusion, to sum up and any other expressions to show that you are about to end your essay.
Which are necessary has been omitted as this only repeats on the previous phrase: important
(Words: 325)
Overall: 6.5
Task Response: 6
✓ addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others
✓ presents a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive
✓ presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/ unclear (paragraph 4 is not well-developed)
Coherence and Cohesion: 6
× arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression (no writer’s opinion towards the intro and body paragraphs)
✓ uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical
✓ may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
✓ uses paragraphing, but not always logically (lack of good supporting evidence for the argument)
Lexical Resource: 6
✓ uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
✓ attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
✓ makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
✓ uses a variety of complex structures
✓ has produces frequent error-free sentences
✓ has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
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